Love's absense in natures presence

Love's absence in Nature's presence
I visited the Grand Canyon in September. It was my first visit to the Canyon and also my first retreat this year. Away from the city. Where I live. Away from all the chaos and confusion. The busy freeways and the busier bars. From the routine that my life seemed to have evolved into. In the past one year.That stretched itself until it bursted. And then was re-born again instantly after its eruption. Beginning with the lazy Monday mornings (when I draggged myself to work) till the early Friday evenings (when most of the cubicles at work including mine would remain unoccupied). And over the weekends it bursted. Into all those activities that had to fit into a time slot of 48 hours. Cooking, Clubbing, catching up with your friends, a few uninspiring dates that never went beyond a quick coffee, bonding with the ones close to your heart, long-distance calls to loved ones in India, a movie date with some desi friends and occasionally also finding time to relax and maybe process and re-examine the direction towards which my life seemed to be heading.
A quick call from my high school friend Kalpa in August soon progressed into a detailed scheme. Of when to plan the trip to the Canyon and what vista points to cover. How to get there and how many days to spend? What songs to take along to make the long and the monotonous drive slightly less tedious and what clothes to wear? Decisions that needed quick and economical answers. That the Search engines provided. At Giga speeds. Making sure that my visa card was never kept waiting. A royal treatment that it always got. Its' royalty - an illusion. That never lasted beyond the attention it received for a brief moment . In that process accosting a huge transaction.
As the day of the journey finally arrived, four single and excited travelers "unpacked" themselves within the confines of a four-doored wagon.Named "Focus". A couple of them in the front row. Their "focus" focussed onto the maps and the networked freeways (That had ramps instead of arms. Which lead the noisy "Beetles" to their nests). On the tiring journey ahead and the out of "focus" destination.The remaining two lounged in the back seat. Legs criss-crossed. Heads falling off the head-rests and colliding with each other's shoulders. Trying to get an overdose of sleep and thus compromising on their personal space. Their bodies overlapped. Into patterns of negation. Algebraic "crosses" formed with their extended arms and legs. Sliding backs that moved sideways. Like a pendulum. Only eyes remained stationary for the most part. Closed. And Rested. In order to soak in the unsoakable allure of the Canyon. As much as possible. Now rejecting the common-place as the journey progressed. Screening for the most part what normally their eyes considered beautiful. Reserving most of their excitement for the pinnacle. Only an occasional "Ah!" heard in muted tones. When awake. As landscapes changed. From the abundantly green and blue California . To the deserted browns of Arizona. The Canyon State. Advertised proudly on the car-plates and the "Welcome to Arizona " road signs. Also the Desert state. Which wasnot advertised. Any where. Only forced to experience. As the desert lured the visitors into its calefaction. With a little assistance from the Canyon.That flashed its bright brown teeth as cameras clicked in unison. But chose to ignore the frown on the tourists' brow. Cultivated due to the heat. In it's vicinity ice-cream sales flourished and empty soda cans got discharged. Into the green recycle bins. That were scattered along the various vista points. Each vista point portraying a slightly altered vision only of the Canyon. Other amenities remained unaltered and uncharacteristicly similar. In those gift shops whose exteriors changed with the vista points. But the Native Indian arts sold at exorbitant prices remained homogeneous. So did the coffee shops selling the same flavors of coffee/ice-creams/soda.
Ohh-every thing aside, how can I ever describe the beauty of the Canyon? In that first glimpse that set my heart afire. Ignited with sheer joy. Of discovering something so pure. And also real. An overwhelming stream of emotions that opened the floodgates of my heart. And escaped through the eyes. The brilliance in those multitude of tinges. Of the varying "Brown". That caught the attention of the eye. And created an aura of oblivion. As the sun rose from the Canyon's bosom. And gradually held out his arms. As his rays tickled the Canyon's pits and angles. And exposed the beauty that the night tried to hid. Suddenly at that moment my heart yearned. For someone to hold. And share. This joy that I had just discovered. That had captivated my senses, expatriated me from the surrounding mankind and catapulted me right into this grandeur. As I saw for the first time the sun rise from the Canyon I experienced a deluge of emotions that transcended my singular existence. My eyes now longed for another pair to capture what I had missed. And also to share what was not missed. My hands suddenly felt an urge to hold another pair. Wanting to reproduce this magnanimous attraction.That the sun shared with the Canyon. At that very momemt, hordes of couples around us aquainted themselves to this raw sensuality that the nature had liberated onto the mankind. Holding their partner's hands and involving themselves in a quick embrace. Imitating nature and thus dissolving boundaries.
And for the first time in more than an year I heard my independence requesting for some company. Its voice breaking out of the walls. That I had built around myself as a shelter. To protect me from pain and rejection. Now making me vulnerable again. To love. After a long gap. Amidst nature. Away from the city that cemented these brick walls. Where love lost its way in the busy freeways. Crowded with single cars. Some that blinked yellow lights and constantly changed lanes (and also lovers). Creating Chaos in the ones' left behind as they fled. To chase the ones ahead. Others that braked a constant red. And remained Stuck in the clutter. Unable to move ahead. Unable to go back. And somewhere in this mad rush I existed. Keeping to my lane and moving ahead cautiously. Focussing only on the destination but not the journey. Trying to avoid proximity. Because in proximity sometimes hid collision. That my insurance didnot cover. Ignoring the honks from the ones left behind who still asked for my attention and trying not to catch up with those speeding away with my emotions. Policing my pace at which I moved on with life. A secure ride sans excitement. That the city had taught me to carry on. All this while. Until I faced the truth amidst the nakedness of the nature. And at once I felt exonerated. From the fear that wove it's web on my heart and built walls .That hid the light.
As the wind blew across my face that early morning, I closed my eyes and shivered. The cold wind from outside augmenting the shivering from within. Caused by these resurfaced emotions. And insecurities. That pined for a warm hand that snuggled. And a caring heart that loved. Selflessly. Like the Sun's love for the Canyon. Faithful and limitless. Which rose daily from the Canyon. Into the wide horizon above. To experience newer vistas and return back to its love by the dawn. And spend the night in the Canyon's arms. Sharing with the anchored Canyon what it's mobility had discovered. And finding solace and rest in the Canyon's unshakeable embrace. An equilibrium thus evolving from a life that was spent partly together and partly away. A love that deepend with time and is bound to remain eternal. And then I realised the beauty in being selfless than in being selfish. To care for someone with all of my heart and discover the exponential power of growth achieved in stalling my desires when they collided with the fears of someone I truly cared for. I have broken those walls that I had built around myself in the past one year. I am no longer a stranger to all the beautiful emotions that I chose to distance myself from. Each day now is a new journey, a new experience. And I keep surprising myself everyday as I keep pushing the limits of what I can achieve by being a little more selfless than the previous day. I constantly keep running into the possibility of getting hurt again but then there are somethings that are worth fighting for. Worth every drop of emotion that I invest. And every insecurity that I come to face with and learn to overcome. And in the end, what doesnt kill me will only make me stronger.